Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Louisville Sluggers and Skulls Go Together Like a Hand and a Glove

Source of Rule 2 Controversy
I am a non-violent man by Nature, but I am not against cracking some skulls when it's necessary to the plot. By necessary to the plot, I mean that if somebody smacks me upside the head with a ball bat, assuming that I'm able, I am gonna get up, bash in his skull, break the ball bat in half then shove it up ass sideways. But that's just me. Speaking of getting smacked upside the head with a Louisville Slugger...

What a segue, no? Two brothers in Sandusky, Ohio recently got into a fight while one brother was doing laundry at the home of the other brother. David, the visiting brother, and his brother Stuart started arguing. According to Stuart, David the visitor was trying to goad him into a fight after the two got into an argument. Stuart then asked David to leave. David refused. Upon David's refusal to scram-ay-vous, Stuart went into his bedroom and grabbed a baseball bat. Now, friends, let me warn you...never pull a ball bat unless you mean to use it or it is necessary to the plot. David the visiting brother took umbrage at the fact that Stuart went and got the bat and shoved his brother. Now is the point in the plot where baseball bat becomes a necessary prop in our story. Stuart then thought to himself for a quick moment, "Right now it is necessary to the plot to cave in my brother's skull with this Louisville Slugger". So, he did. After the skull-cracking incident, according to the Police Report, Stuart then went outside to cool off. I may be a day late and a dollar short, but to my way of thinking, the going outside to cool off stuff should have preceded the Ball Bat Ballet to the Cranium. But that's just me. What's more is that after he did the ratty-tat-tat to his brother's coconut, Stuart left the bat inside! This is in direct violation of Rule 2 in the Ball Bat to the Skull Manual. Rule 2 specifically states that "after any skull-cracking, the skull-crackor, should maintain possession of the ball bat, until the skull-crackee is either beaten lifeless or transported from the scene of the skull-cracking by the Police or EMTs, or the skull-crackee comes back with the bat and does some skull-cracking of his own." Stuart was clearly in violation of Rule 2, having left the bat inside his house, and David was well within the rules as set forth in the Ball Bat to the Skull Manual when he found the bat in the house and then went outside to exact his revenge for Stuart's negligence. Therefore , David was well within skull-cracking rules when he blasted his brother upside the head with the ball bat. The Police soon arrives and saw blood and a bloody ball bat at the scene and quickly determined that the skull-cracking match ended in a draw and arrested both brothers for felonious assault and domestic violence. Where I'm from, we used to call this kind of stuff "Friday Night", but I guess the law saw things differently and did what they were sworn to do, which is to take the fun out of everything that normal families do. Bastards!

David was never expecting to have a Rule 2 confrontation with his brother, otherwise he could have claimed a Rule 3 Intervention. Rule 3 says that if your opponent breaks out a ball bat and you feel threatened, pull out your 9mm Glock and blow him to Kingdom Come. These two jack wagons are piss poor representatives of brothers and Skull-Crackers everywhere; just a little blood, no split open craniums and no gunfire and/or homicide. I plan on filing a formal protest to the International Ball Bat to the Skull Society tomorrow. This type of wussery must not be allowed to stand. 

Because Toby said so.          

No comments:

Post a Comment