Friday, April 1, 2011

I'll Be Back...and That's a Threat

I have picked up several outside blog content writing opportunities lately and it taken up a lot of the time I was spending on my own blogs. I am actually getting paid to do those jobs,so something had to give. Sadly, one of the casualties of my my newfound writing gigs is this blog. I am going to put it hiatus for unspecified time, but as soon as I can get into a routine with all the new stuff, I'll be back to expose you to my brilliant prose and witty satire, whether you like it or not. :)

Seriously, thanks for reading Because Toby said So over the last few months, I am truly grateful. The blog was just starting to hit a stride when all this other work just happened, but since it was the newest member of my Blogging Empire, the choice to put it on hold was really pretty easy. Two of my other blogs, Three States Plus One and Dumbass News are more established, widely read and kickin' ass and takin' names, so if you haven't given them a look yet, please stop on by.

Again, I'll be firing up this site as soon as I can get things sorted out, so don't forget about it just yet. Travel safe and be well, amigos. I am Gone Fishin'.


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Stop Gang Activity in Your 'Hood, Get a GED!

Today we will take a look at the American system of jurisprudence. Our justice system, while occasionally flawed, is the best system in the history of mankind. In our justice system a man is innocent until proven guilty by a jury of his peers. If he is found not guilty, he's a free man facing no further prosecution from the government.

GED Proud
In Cleveland, Ohio they do things a little differently when a man is found not guilty. They give the defendant  their jury duty pay! Is this a great country or what? But there is a catch to this "gift" to the not guilty guy, because he seems like a nice young man, despite being charged for participating in gang-related activities. The catch? Our juvenile delinquent has to get a GED ASAP. This is a fine idea. Except it is fucking stoopid. Why is it stoopid? What makes these dumbass jurors think that if this kid, who's 19 by the way, gets a GED that he'll have an epiphany and leave the gang life behind? With a GED this young hoodlum can go around Cleveland and shout to all whom will listen, "I got a GED! Now I can be a high school drop out with a GED and still do gang stuff to the citizens of Cleveland!" He may even start a trend amongst gangstahs all over the country. The gangs will replace those stoopid looking red and blue bandanas hanging out the back pocket of their jeans with GED Certificates! And they'll owe all this pride in their new found GED to the jurors who were too damned stoopid to see guilt when it was staring right them in the eyes. Fucking asswipes. The new motto for the Bloods or the Crips can be: "We may be drug dealing, prostitute makin', extortionists and cold blooded killers, but we all have GEDs!!!" Now these scum suckers can make change for a hundred on their next crack cocaine deal.

I say we should lock the bastards up and give them a sentence in line with their crime, put then on a chain gang and work the vermin til they fucking drop every day from exhaustion for the duration of their sentences. Oh, yeah, and tell them to shove that GED up their asses. How's that GED shit workin' for you now, dickweeds? These plagues of society are breathin' my air. Fuck 'em.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Spring Snow for Maine Today! Texas? Not So Much.

Not the Igloo in the Story :)
Today is the first full day of spring. My friends in Texas and other parts of the country are welcoming the new season with temperatures near 80 degrees, while here in Maine we're about to get hit with another snow storm! We are going to get at 5 inches of solid sunshine this afternoon and tonight. With that in mind, I thought this would be appropriate story
I try like to crazy to be an optimist regardless of the circumstances. It's difficult to do sometimes, but I still make a great effort to do it. That's exactly what a group of guys in Minnesota, whose motto is "At Least We're Not North Dakota", recently did. These guys were tired of them and their neighbors hibernating during the long, cold Minny-soda winters and not really seeing each other for months at a time. So what did these enterprising young men do? They were given lemons and they made lemonade from them. More precisely, the were given snow and they made an igloo out of it! They made an igloo large enough to accomodate fifteen people! Now that's what I'm talkin' about! Chris Aldrich, one of the igloo builders, said, "In the summer, everybody's out, and we see everybody," Aldrich said. "But as soon as winter comes, everybody shuts themselves in. We wanted to get to know people in the winter."Is this a great idea or what? It's such a great idea that not long ago 30 people showed up for a block party at the igloo. This is no ordinary igloo either. It's outfitted with a "vented fireplace, candle alcoves and patio furniture". The story from UPI failed to mention that Mother Nature provided the beer cooler. :)

I gotta tip my hat to Chris Aldrich and his housemates for their amazing ingenuity with regards to the igloo. That wasn't the case when I first read this story. I had a million funny things to say, but I just couldn't bring myself to make fun of these huys. I mean, I live in Maine and I am simpatico with Minny-sodans whne it comes to winter weather. And I'm a bit jealous that I didn't think about this before those guys did. Chris and his buddies deserve a lot of credit for turning a bummer of a situation into a project that they can tell their grand kids about. Way to go, guys! I just might create a Because Toby Said So Certificate of Merit or something in your honor. I am duly and completely impressed.

Because Toby said so.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Willie, Mickey and The Duke!

I posted this a couple of weeks ago, but I added the best part of the article too late in the day to be appreciated by basdeball fans and people who just like comic genius. That part would be the classic 'Who's on First?" routine by Abbott & Costello. That alone is worth the price of admission. Enjoy.

Spring training is underway! At this time of year as we get ready for another 162 game grind that will culminate with the World Series in October, optimism is as everywhere as the Florida and Arizona sunshine. Hope springs eternal and all that.

Talkin' baseball... <----This song should be the official song of Major League Baseball. Sorry about that "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" lovers, "Talkin' Baseball" is a much better anthem for America's Pasttime. I am by no means an expert on baseball, but I do have a sense of the history of the Game, it's players of the past and many of the watershed moments in the sport. I like "Talkin' Baseball" precisely for those reasons. The song runs by you some of the greatest names to ever put on a Major League Team's uniform...names that were once sacred to boys (and girls) all over the United States. Those names to the little boys of yesteryear, who are by the way, today's Middle Agers, meant something special, much as the names of Albert Pujols and Josh Hamilton do to today's youngsters.

I have been lucky enough to see many major League games, all in Texas, at the Astrodome, Arlington Stadium and the Rangers Ball Park. Some of the greatest players of my generation were there for me to see. Pete Rose, Johnny Bench, Nolan Ryan and so many others. My maternal Grand father loved baseball, I guess that's where I get my love of the game. I remember, as a little boy, having an AM Transistor radio. After the sun went down and the 50,000 watt AM radio stations cranked up the power on a clear channel, I listened to baseball games from all over the country. I slipped the little radio under my pillow and it was time to Play ball! I was a big St. Louis Cardinals fan at the time (except for the Astros) and Jack Buck and Harry Carey used to bring old Busch Stadium, Bob Gibson, Steve Carlton, Lou Brock, Orlando Cepeda into my bed room 162 times a year.

I even got to meet Mickey Mantle once and I got an autographed baseball from him! Mickey frakkin' Mantle, people!!! Since I live only a couple of hours away from Boston, I am gonna try like hell to get to Fenway Park this summer. I can smell the popcorn now.

I could go on for hours, but instead, I'll save some baseball stories for another time. Until then, Play ball!

Because Toby said so.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Stoopid Newspaper Headlines!

Seminarians Retaliate with Holy Water
Howdy, y'all. Another weekend has come and almost gone and we are less than two weeks away from Christmas and the 2010 Season of the NFL has only four weeks left, with a passel of playoff spots undecided. To top that all off, New Year's Day is is less than three weeks away. Where the hell did 2010 go? And what sucks about the end of the year (any year) is that we are going to slapped up one side of the head and down the other with "Best of...", "Worst of..." lists. Thank God I've been doing this blog only for a few weeks. That means I don't have enough material to compile a Top 2 list, much less a Top 10 list.

With that, we turn to once again to Stupid Newspaper Headlines! That means we prowl the internet, specifically for teh funny. They are the ones who gather all these stupid headlines and we pilfer them. What did you expect me to do? Work? You are an idiot if you think that I am going do actual manual labor. Sheesh. Anyway, Headline Humor supplies the headlines and I supply the pithy, soon-to-be award-winning commentary. Remember, these are actual headlines from actual newspapers around the English speaking world.

Headline: Tips to avoid alligator attacks - Don't swim in waters inhabited by large alligators.
Me: Whoever is the last man to read and approve that ad should be drawn and quartered post haste. OK, drawn and quartered may be a bit harsh, but the dumbass should at the very least be required to have a vasectomy. He must not be allowed to procreate! I think I am being more than generous here.

Headline: Due to lack of interest by friends and relatives, the birthday party for Becky Pritchard has been cancelled.
Me: Becky, brush your damn teeth! And for Gawd's sake, change your stinky ass drawers! One more thing, Betty, use some Raid. The flies bother the rest of us.

Headline: Clinton apologizes to syphilis victims.
Me: I got nothin' to add to that.

Headline: Big jugs, fine wine, nice party.
Me: Two in a row. I got nothin'.

Headline: Student excited Dad got head job.
Me: I bet Dad's pretty stoked, too.

That ought to put the proverbial last nail in my blogging coffin. It's been fun, folks. On second thought, Al Gore won a Grammy and a Nobel Prize for much worse material. So, if Al can get by on minimal talent and outright lies, there's still hope for me. I have as little talent as anybody and I can lie with the best of 'em. Boy, am I relieved.

Because Toby said so.