Drunk Pilot Lands Plane on Road; Cops, FAA Not Smiling

John Roy and Plane Spot

I am not much for flying in an airplane. Let me be more clear. I am not much for taking off and landing in an airplane. The flying part's great, looking down and seeing a system of streets that look like gift wrapping ribbon or a lake that more resembles a pot hole filled with water. That part's pretty cool.

Imagine if you will, that you have just taken off from the airport and the pilot comes on the PA and says, "Ladies and gentlemen this your pilot today, Captain Mel Gibson speaking...I hear that and I'm out of that plane so fast, the dust off my ass wouldn't have time to hit the seat cushion. Which brings us to Kaufman, Texas.

A guy named John Roy Petre was buzzing around (pun intended; you'll see why in a sec) in his kit-built, single wing, open cockpit, one seat plane when, as he told the cops, the engine started "fluttering". What the hell is this plane powered by? Butterflies? Fluttering my ass. After the engine started "fluttering", John landed the aircraft on a Farm to Market Road near Kaufman. Upon landing, John taxied the plane to a nearby home. That's when the police arrived. And they were not amused. It seems that our man John was drunk. I don't know about the other 49 states, but the State of Texas frowns upon operating a flying machine while tanked up on Pabst Blue Ribbon. This is where I lose faith in the men and women who are charged with keeping a flying missile at 35,000 feet while in flight, not to mention the landing and taking off thing. I don't care if the pilot drinks a gallon of Jack Daniels a day, just as long as it ain't when my life is in his charge. But, I digress.

John Roy ( is that a Texas name or what?) is now a guest of the Kaufman County Crossbar Hilton, hoping like hell that his cell mate won't be Leon "Hung Like a Bull" Williams. I think when Leon asks a cell mate to "fly me to St. Louis", he doesn't mean in a plane nor does he mean St. Louis the city. I'd to be John Roy when Leon asks him to "do that fluttering thing" on his "propeller". I'm just sayin'.

My advice to John Roy is to sell the damned plane when you get out of jail and haul ass to Montana or some shit, far, far away from Kaufman and Leon. Hop on a plane and get the hell out of Dodge. And hope your pilot isn't Mel Gibson. Take all that to the bank, John Roy.

Because Toby said so.