Saturday, January 29, 2011

Breaking and Entering and Getting Plowed

Stupid Juice
Sometimes there's just too much dumbass to confine to one blog. That's one of the reasons I write Because Toby Said So. In light of that, I'm gonna post a dumbass story here today.

In Wilmington, Delaware, home state of the Vice Dumbass of the United States, a dumb fuck broke into a house. Stupid, but not unusual. The unusually stupid part of this story is that the dipshit burglar broke in but couldn't break out! It seems that this particular home had been broken into before, so the owner changed all the locks in the place and did it so that not only would you need a key to (legally) get in, but that you'd also have to have a key to get out. This was an obstacle to our stupid crooks escape plans. You, see while he was in the house he drank three bottles of gin and two bottles of whiskey, got hammered, couldn't open a door to get out without a key and was unable to find the window through which he broke to get into the house in order to split the scene.

After being in the house for a couple days (the owner was away for a vacation), the idiot crook did what any rational, but drunk, person would do to get out of the house. Wait. For. It. He called 911! The Wilmington Police Department was more than happy to oblige the dumbass and escort him to jail. The Police were also happy than no man-hours would be required to investigate the break-in and they were ecstatic that the amount of paperwork they'd have to do was reduced to next to nothing! To top it all off, the cops would have extra time to spend at the local donut shop. It's a win-win kind of deal. I just made that last part up. A donut shop joke is expected when writing a story that involves the police, no matter how true it may or may not be.  :)

Because Toby said so.

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