Small Town Guy From Maine is the State's Newest Prison Bitch

This Guy Gives Free Prison Bitch Lessons

Sometimes a big case of Dumbasitis is right under your nose. That is the deal right here in Maine. Just up the road a couple of hours from where I sit is the Town of Baileyville. As you may have surmised, Baileyville is little more than a hiccup on the map. I mean that literally, if you hiccup while entering Baileyville, by the time you hiccup, you'll see the "Leaving Baileyville" sign. Trust me on this.

A dipshit named Michael Bailey, no relation to the town, was arrested for robbing some people at a mobile home! "Four other people arrived at the mobile home during the incident, not knowing what was going on or that they would be robbed, according to police. Of those four, the first two people showed up by chance and also were taken hostage. Then, after Bailey allegedly ordered a resident to call and invite another man to the mobile home, two more people arrived and were held with the others at gunpoint, police indicated.
During the incident, a firearm was discharged in the mobile home and death threats were made before Bailey fled with an undisclosed amount of money, police indicated in the statement. Donahue declined to identify who is suspected of firing the gun or of making the threats.All eight people were robbed and held for about half an hour before Bailey left, according to police. Victims later told police that Bailey was the armed robber and that Fowler was his accomplice, police indicated." That's from UPI.

Michael, Michael, Michael. Rule Number 1 in being a successful criminal is to know that people who live in mobile homes are not rich! They have no possessions that are worth a shit! Do I have to tell you everything, Michael? Man up, son!  Here's a hint for you, Michael. Drive around a town larger than Baileyville and look for, oh, I don't know, BIG HOUSES maybe? That's where the loot is, dumbass. It's only gets better from here. Here's more from UPI: "Then, at around 6 a.m. Monday, police received a report of shots fired at a home on Houlton Road in Baileyville. A man who lives there told police he had exchanged gunfire with a masked gunman around 4 a.m. but that the gunman then ran away. The resident called police a few minutes after his home was hit again by gunfire, police said." hang on, there's one more thing that Michael the dipshit criminal did that earns him the title of Dipshit of the Day. When he was finally stopped by the law, Michael was ready to engage in a gun fight with the heat. Not a good decision. As Mikey Boy was pulling out the gun he had used in his earlier crimes, he shot himself in the face! I. Shit. You. Not!

Needless to say, but that was the end of Michael's Baileyville Crime Spree. He's being held on $10,000 bond in the County Jail. Other charges like kidnapping are certain to be filed in the next day or two. So, I bid Michael a fond adieu as he begins his new life as a prison bitch, or as they say in the pen, "fresh meat". have a good stay, Michael. I'm sure that you'll have some great stories to tell your grand children in 6 -10 years. Frakkin' idjit.

Because Toby said so.

Celebrate Charles Darwin's Birthday By Reading About Darwin Award Winners!

202 Years Old - And Looking It

I have known about the web site called The Darwin Awards for quite some time and I've been meaning to steal some material  link to them for a while now. It's a pretty damn cool site, especially if you like to have a good laugh at the expense of some poor dumbass doing something completely idiotic. The Germans have a word for delighting in someone else's misfortune - schadenfreude. The schadenfreude is thick at The Darwin Awards. I point to TDA for a very special reason. Today marks the 202nd Anniversary of evolutionist Charles Darwin's birth! Let's celebrate and have more fun than a barrel of monkeys! <----I made a funny. bwahahahahaha, I kill myself. But, I digress. In honor of Mr. Darwin, I am gonna throw you a couple of links to The Darwin Awards and some teh funnay posted there.

Copied and pasted from TDA:

(91%)Wheelchair Access
VIDEO: A handicapped man, annoyed that an elevator closed and departed without him, thinks it over before ramming his wheelchair into the doors not once, not twice, but three times before succeeding 

(86%)Textbook Double Double Darwin
Who would park the car on a busy freeway, in the slow lane, in heavy fog, for a quickie? These things happen on the 'Via Dutra', the major freeway between Rio de Janiero

There's plenty more where those came from, so haul ass on over to The Darwin Awards and be ready to be amazed at the sheer lunacy of your fellow human beans.

Because Toby said so.

More Stoopid Newspaper Headlines!

Where Were The Editors?

Stupid newspaper headlines is a subject that has been very popular not only here on HubPages, but on the internet in general, and o n my blogs specifically. I haven't written a hub about this topic in a few weeks and today just seemed like the kind of day to do it again. Laughter is the best medicine and all that. Remember that these are actual newspaper headlines found in papers all over the United States. So, without further ado....

Headline: Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole In One

Me: That sounds about par for the course.

Headline: Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing

Me: Praise be for medical science!

Headline: Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Me: That's one way to skin a cat.

Headline: House Passes Gas Tax On To Senate

Me: What else would expect of all those old farts?

Headline: Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung

Me: Am I the only one that thinks this should be the other way around?

Headline: William Kelly Was Fed Secretary

Me: And he had a case of indigestion that you wouldn't believe!

And last but not least...

Headline: Safety Experts Say Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Me: Having ridden a bus from Denver to Maine, I agree wholeheartedly. POW! Right in the kisser!

Now that's pretty funny stuff right there. If you happen to catch a goofy headline in your local bird cage liner, drop me a message here at HubPages and I'll do my best to use it in a future Hub. And better still, you'll get a mention for bringing it to my attention.

Until next time, Adios, y'all.

Thanks to innocentenglish.com for the headlines!

Stoopid Newspaper Headlines, Part 2!

It's time once again , ladies and gentlemen, for one of the more popular features on Because Toby Said So, because Toby said so. Here we go with another batch of botched newspaper headlines taken from bird cage liners all across this great land of ours! Sit back, relax and prepare to laugh your ass off and make your neighboring co-workers wonder what the hell is wrong with (insert your name here)! And away we gooooooo...

I think it's safe to say that that won't be a problem in most big cities in the United States.




It was soon after this incident that the Sheriff's Office found the still at the complainant's house.

Who says that baseball isn't a physical sport? This headline also gives new meaning to "balls and strikes". I'm just sayin'.

The people of this town are on our side, aren't they? Pendejos.

Tell that to the fish!

Ya think? This newspaper must have gotten their information from Planned Parenthood.







And for the Grand Finale !!!

Liberals in action.










I bet you a dollar to a donut that you could look through your local newspaper and come up with at least a couple of headlines that qualify as stoopid. if so, please send them to me and I'll use them in a future post and give you a shout out for your submission! send your stoopid headline to tobysaidso AT gmail DOT com.

Because Toby said so.

Breaking and Entering and Getting Plowed

Stupid Juice

Sometimes there's just too much dumbass to confine to one blog. That's one of the reasons I write Because Toby Said So. In light of that, I'm gonna post a dumbass story here today.

In Wilmington, Delaware, home state of the Vice Dumbass of the United States, a dumb fuck broke into a house. Stupid, but not unusual. The unusually stupid part of this story is that the dipshit burglar broke in but couldn't break out! It seems that this particular home had been broken into before, so the owner changed all the locks in the place and did it so that not only would you need a key to (legally) get in, but that you'd also have to have a key to get out. This was an obstacle to our stupid crooks escape plans. You, see while he was in the house he drank three bottles of gin and two bottles of whiskey, got hammered, couldn't open a door to get out without a key and was unable to find the window through which he broke to get into the house in order to split the scene.

After being in the house for a couple days (the owner was away for a vacation), the idiot crook did what any rational, but drunk, person would do to get out of the house. Wait. For. It. He called 911! The Wilmington Police Department was more than happy to oblige the dumbass and escort him to jail. The Police were also happy than no man-hours would be required to investigate the break-in and they were ecstatic that the amount of paperwork they'd have to do was reduced to next to nothing! To top it all off, the cops would have extra time to spend at the local donut shop. It's a win-win kind of deal. I just made that last part up. A donut shop joke is expected when writing a story that involves the police, no matter how true it may or may not be.  :)

Because Toby said so.

Government Has Checks for Dead People!

This Dead Guy Has a Govt. Check Waiting for Him

By many accounts, the stimulus package passed by the US Congress in February, 2009, has been an unmitigated dumbass move. Nineteen months after this monstrosity got the Congressional Okie Dokie, unemployment remains above 9.5 per cent, home foreclosures continue unabated and consumer confidence in the economy is almost nonexistent. How, oh, how could Congress frak things up any more than they already have? Just when you thought the answer was "things are FUBAR'ed", our elected dumbasses come to the "resuce" with something even more stupid! Yes, America, members of our national government have been working overtime to figure out new ways to flush your tax dollars down the old crapper, and, dammit, they are doing a damn fine job of it.

The Federal Dumbasses at the Social Security Administration sent out stimulus checks at $250 a pop to 89,000 DEAD or INCARCERATED people! That's $22,250,000 - twenty-two million two hundred fifty thousand dollars- to dead people and dumbasses in jail. It appears that the idiots at the SSA did not check their records to eliminate dead people and some inmates from the list of fifty-two million Americans the checks were supposed to go to.

Some of the dead people had not collected benefits in over thirty years and some would be 136 years old had they lived! Here's what some spokesdumbass from the SSA said, "Inaccurate payments are unacceptable. Social Security's Recovery Act payments were 99.8 percent accurate, and we quickly collected the majority of the inaccurate payments," SSA spokesman Mark Lassiter said. Being the inquisitive fellow that I am, I wondered to myself, "what is a "majority" of the inaccurate payments?" 70%? 75%? No! When the spokesdumbass said "majority", he meant "majority", as in just over half! According to my math, that leaves somewhere in the neighborhood of eleven million dollars of your money that some dead guy or criminal is spending for God knows what. For some silly reason, I think the dead guys and crooks are more qualified to figure out what to do with eleven mil than our elected dumbasses. Unless the dead guys are from Chicago. Those are the ones I don't trust.

Because Toby said so.

Tattoos and A Change of Format

Dumbass with odd birthmark

The scenario: a dumbass is listening to the local rock radio station in Davenport, Iowa. The disc jockey on the air comes up with a real dumbass promotion. DJ Dumbass says the radio station will pay six figures to anyone who gets the station logo tattooed to his forehead! The dumbass listener, David Winkelman, hauls ass to the local tattoo shop and gets the station logo tattoo on his forehead! But wait, there's more! Winkelman has a stepson that's as big a dumbass as he is. Richard Goddard, the stepson dumbass, got the tattoo also! In my capacity as Official Decider of Dumbassery, I have determined that there is a boatload of dumbass in the Winkelman household. But, just when you thought things couldn't get more bizarre, they do. I mean these guys are putting six pounds of dumbass in a five pound bag. Remember the dumbass DJ who started this whole mess with the promise of a six figure prize to dumbasses like Winkelman and Goddard for getting the station logo tattooed on their foreheads? He was joking! Hardy frakkin' har har. Do I smell a lawsuit here? Why, yes I do! Winkelman sued the station and eventually the suit was dismissed. Fastforward ten years. Winkelman was recently arrested and his mugshot showed that he still has that damn tatto! What about the radio station  in question? As is wont to happen in the radio business (trust me on this one, folks), they changed formats and call letters! Now, that's funny! And David Winkelman is still a dumbass.


Because Toby said so.


***Crossposted at Dumbass News***

Taiwanese Lady Gets Married....To Herself!

Photo Representation of Chen's IQ

It seems that there is a low birth rate in Taiwan and the government of the island-state is a bit concerned. So concerned in fact, that they are encouraging young people to get married and have babies. I am OK with that. The key is that the Taiwanese government is encouraging not mandating. A government encouraging its citizens to have babies instead of abort them. Imagine that.

This does not meet with approval in all segments of Taiwanese society. One broad, excuse me I mean lady, said that the pressure to get married and have children is "overwhelming". Okie dokie. I'm thinking that the only thing "overwhelming" here is the generous amount of good ol' stupid spews forth from this chick. Here's why I say that: this woman with IQ of a box of chop sticks protested this "overwhelming " pressure for marriage and kids by wait. for .it marrying herself! Well, ain't that just peachy? Dipshit. Chen Wei-yi, our Taiwanese dumbass, had some stuff that you'd expect at any wedding - a flower girl, a cake but no groom. Chen happily says, "I feel that marrying myself represents a promise to really love myself" In that case, I highly recommend that Chen look over yesterday's post . I am sure the vibrator lady in that post could help Chen compensate for the lack of a husband. Just sayin'.

The article from UPI continues, "The feedback has been mixed. Critics accuse Chen of trying to get cash gifts, but she says women from around the globe have sent encouraging messages." Forget the encouraging messages, you dope! Have you made any money from this fucked up PR stunt? If Chen is too stupid to directly answer a straightforward question, then her prospects of marrying a man are slim and none, and slim just left town.  This is probably for the best anyway, because this stupid dame would only weaken the Taiwanese gene pool. And her country can't afford that, with a billion Commies living right next door.

I wonder how easy it would be to hook up Chen with the Killer Vibrator Lady? B.O.B. is Chen's only hope for any kind of meaningful relationship and tens of millions of Taiwanese men are setting up a Batteries for Life Fund for her. Smart move, guys.

Because Toby said so.

Cop Assaulted By Vibrator, Has Buzzing in Ears

We Must Outlaw These Things!

Ladies and gentlemen, I have found what could easily be the "Dumbass of the Year" news story. This story makes all previous contenders for this coveted award look like pikers. It's that good. By the way, I made up that part about the buzzing in the cop's ears.  :)

We have all the elements of an honest-to-goodness, without-a-doubt of a classic dumbass story. Carolee Bildsten has earned a place in the Dumbass Hall of Fame with this beauty. Carolee recently went to Joe's Crab Shack in Gurnee, Illinois for some supper and a bit of wine. Mission accomplished, she walked out without paying her bill. That's Dumbass Move Number 1. Alert employees then called the cops. The police searched the vicinity and eventually found Carolee laying on a patch of grass near a Six Flags amusement park.  Behold Dumbass Move Number 2. Noticing that Carolee was plowed, the policeman on the scene offered to take her home to get some money to pay her bill at Joe's Crab Shack. Carolee accepted this generous offer and was escorted home by the nice cop. When they arrived at Carolee's house, she told the fuzz that she had money in her dresser. She went to her dresser, opened the drawer and instead of pulling cash flow, she pulled out a BOB!!! (battery operated boyfriend). According to the police report, Carolee the Dumbass" said her money was in her dresser drawer and she opened it and reached inside and removed a 'clear, rigid feminine pleasure device' and held it over her head and approached the officer in a threatening manner". At this precise moment, the policeman's assault by sex toy training took over and he knocked the "clear, rigid female pleasure devcie" out of Carolee's hand and placed her under arrest and ask her what she had planned for later that night and if she had a girlfriend who could join them. <wink wink> OK, I made that last part up.

Carolee was "charged with theft of labor for allegedly walking out on the restaurant bill, pedestrian under the influence for walking on city streets while inebriated, and aggravated assault for menacing the officer with a sex toy." Menacing the officer with a plastic penis is serious business in Gurnee, Illinois. How serious? The dildo landed Carolee in jail where she faces a stiff sentence. Dumbass.

That, my friends, is the Leader By a Head in the Clubhouse for the Dumbass of the Year.
Because Toby said so.