Cop Assaulted By Vibrator, Has Buzzing in Ears

We Must Outlaw These Things!

Ladies and gentlemen, I have found what could easily be the "Dumbass of the Year" news story. This story makes all previous contenders for this coveted award look like pikers. It's that good. By the way, I made up that part about the buzzing in the cop's ears.  :)

We have all the elements of an honest-to-goodness, without-a-doubt of a classic dumbass story. Carolee Bildsten has earned a place in the Dumbass Hall of Fame with this beauty. Carolee recently went to Joe's Crab Shack in Gurnee, Illinois for some supper and a bit of wine. Mission accomplished, she walked out without paying her bill. That's Dumbass Move Number 1. Alert employees then called the cops. The police searched the vicinity and eventually found Carolee laying on a patch of grass near a Six Flags amusement park.  Behold Dumbass Move Number 2. Noticing that Carolee was plowed, the policeman on the scene offered to take her home to get some money to pay her bill at Joe's Crab Shack. Carolee accepted this generous offer and was escorted home by the nice cop. When they arrived at Carolee's house, she told the fuzz that she had money in her dresser. She went to her dresser, opened the drawer and instead of pulling cash flow, she pulled out a BOB!!! (battery operated boyfriend). According to the police report, Carolee the Dumbass" said her money was in her dresser drawer and she opened it and reached inside and removed a 'clear, rigid feminine pleasure device' and held it over her head and approached the officer in a threatening manner". At this precise moment, the policeman's assault by sex toy training took over and he knocked the "clear, rigid female pleasure devcie" out of Carolee's hand and placed her under arrest and ask her what she had planned for later that night and if she had a girlfriend who could join them. <wink wink> OK, I made that last part up.

Carolee was "charged with theft of labor for allegedly walking out on the restaurant bill, pedestrian under the influence for walking on city streets while inebriated, and aggravated assault for menacing the officer with a sex toy." Menacing the officer with a plastic penis is serious business in Gurnee, Illinois. How serious? The dildo landed Carolee in jail where she faces a stiff sentence. Dumbass.

That, my friends, is the Leader By a Head in the Clubhouse for the Dumbass of the Year.
Because Toby said so.

This Ain't Your Father's Drive Thru

The good old Drive Thru window is as American as apple pie. You can do almost anything at a drive thru these days - banking, order food, pick up and drop off prescriptions, pick up your favorite sex toy...whaaaaaaa??? Where on God's green Earth is this going on? New York City? L.A.? Try Huntsville, Alabama. Huntsville, Alabama? The Huntsville, Alabama? Yup. The Huntsville, Alabama.

A place called Pleasures (imagine that) now occupies a former bank building, at one of Huntsville's busiest intersections, and is making good(?) use of the tube thing that was once upon a time used to transport cash and checks. Now the tube (there's a joke in there somewhere) serves (another joke in there somewhere)  as a delivery system for sex toys, adult novelties and other pornucopia. The owner of Pleasures, Sherri Williams, says that many people are reluctant to purchase sex toys because of the stigma attached to doing so. No shit? And all this time I just thought some people were prudes. Of course there's a stigma attached to buying sex toys. Look. I don't give a rat's ass about what two or more consenting adults do in the privacy of their own home, as long as it doesn't involve children. Or hedgehogs. I like hedgehogs. On the other hand, what if you were to visit Pleasures and you saw your preacher there as a customer? That'd kinda make next week's Sunday School a bit, shall we say, uneasy, would it not? Nothing against the preacher, I am sure he likes to get laid and ridden like my friend Flicka from time to time also. As long as it's his wife doing the my friend Flicka thing, there's not a damn thing wrong with a little horsing around.

"It’s a new level of privacy, and it feels good to give something back to the community,” Williams,, the owner said in a news release.This brings up another question about this deal. If driving to an adult toy store off in the woods is so traumatic or potentially embarrassing, what the fuck is being "at one of Huntsville's busiest  intersections" to pick up a plastic dick going to do for privacy? At least off in the woods, everybody in town won't be passing by at any given time. At its new location, Pleasures and its customers will be scrutinized by thousands of people a day! I can hear it now, "I saw your wife at the drive thru the other day". Immediately coming to mind will be silent questions like, "Was that the day she went to McDonalds or was that the day she went plastic cock shopping?" This could lead to some very awkward conversations. At least the sex toys will be put into brown paper bags. We all know what comes in brown paper bags, don't we? Booze and/or plastic penises. Dumbasses. Williams the Owner said the shop will also hold classes on "intimacy" and will pass out condoms as a public service. Am I the only one who finds irony in that last sentence?

That's what the American as apple pie drive thru window has come to. Drive thru dicks.

(hat tip: FoxNews.com)