Polar Bears and Polar Bears - Which Is Which?

Typical Polar Bear Club Member

It's the time of year where you'll be perusing the news over the morning's first cup of coffee and you'll happen upon a Human Interest story about various "Polar Bear Clubs" around the country. Now, these are not clubs for actual polar bears nor are they clubs for smackin' a polar bear upside the head. From what I can tell, they are social clubs of a sort where like-minded dipsticks all gather once a year so they can dress like it's Halloween or like they're at the beach in Cancun and simultaneously jump into near-freezing water all at once! What fun! If you're a penguin - or an idiot. Yesterday, on one of my other blogs, I wrote about a couple that got married on a water taxi and took the plunge into the Monongahela River. Can someone please explain to me the reason for doing this dumb shit? To prove your manhood? If that's the case, jumping into freezing cold water will do more to make your "manhood" play hide and seek than it will show it off. I just don't fucking get it. If the morons that do the Polar Bear Club thing had any sense, they'd realize the folly of this endeavor, so I'll offer them some free advise. Go South you dumbass! It's WARM down there! Let me put it this way. Given the choice, would you rather, a) drink a frozen beer in the winter time waiting your turn to plunge into ice cold water or would you rather b) be some place like Florida sitting on a nice warm beach slammin' margaritas? Any dickweed that answers "a" is either Canadian or needs to be deported to Canada. No offense to the hoser demographic of this blog, eh?

The whole diatribe above was a long-winded intro to the main subject of this post. A NYC Polar Bear Club Everyone Freeze Your Gazebos Off All at Once Extravaganza was attended by over 1500 numb nuts.Make that 3000 numb nuts as there were 1500 men. But, I digress. Here's an example of the type of nitwit that does this stuff, "It was like 10,000 knives stabbing you at once," Tim Henshall, 50, an Army reservist from Blairstown, N.J., told the New York Daily News.Now wouldn't you just love to feel like there were "10,000 knives stabbing you at once?" I know I would. For the record, I'm kidding when I say that. Give me the beach and some tequila and I've got a party! I'm sure that businesses along the Gulf Coast from Brownsville, Texas to Key West, Florida would love to rid you of your snowbird bucks. So, screw the Polar Bears (the animal kind and the people kind), given a choice, I'm headed South. You should be, too. lest you look like a hoser. Or a brain dead Northerner. Just do it.

Because Toby said so.