Sunday, December 12, 2010

Son of Stupid Headlines!

Seminarians Retaliate with Holy Water
Howdy, y'all. Another weekend has come and almost gone and we are less than two weeks away from Christmas and the 2010 Season of the NFL has only four weeks left, with a passel of playoff spots undecided. To top that all off, New Year's Day is is less than three weeks away. Where the hell did 2010 go? And what sucks about the end of the year (any year) is that we are going to slapped up one side of the head and down the other with "Best of...", "Worst of..." lists. Thank God I've been doing this blog only for a few weeks. That means I don't have enough material to compile a Top 2 list, much less a Top 10 list.

With that, we turn to once again to Stupid Newspaper Headlines! That means we prowl the internet, specifically for teh funny. They are the ones who gather all these stupid headlines and we pilfer them. What did you expect me to do? Work? You are an idiot if you think that I am going do actual manual labor. Sheesh. Anyway, Headline Humor supplies the headlines and I supply the pithy, soon-to-be award-winning commentary. Remember, these are actual headlines from actual newspapers around the English speaking world.

Headline: Tips to avoid alligator attacks - Don't swim in waters inhabited by large alligators.
Me: Whoever is the last man to read and approve that ad should be drawn and quartered post haste. OK, drawn and quartered may be a bit harsh, but the dumbass should at the very least be required to have a vasectomy. He must not be allowed to procreate! I think I am being more than generous here.

Headline: Due to lack of interest by friends and relatives, the birthday party for Becky Pritchard has been cancelled.
Me: Becky, brush your damn teeth! And for Gawd's sake, change your stinky ass drawers! One more thing, Betty, use some Raid. The flies bother the rest of us.

Headline: Clinton apologizes to syphilis victims.
Me: I got nothin' to add to that.

Headline: Big jugs, fine wine, nice party.
Me: Two in a row. I got nothin'.

Headline: Student excited Dad got head job.
Me: I bet Dad's pretty stoked, too.

That ought to put the proverbial last nail in my blogging coffin. It's been fun, folks. On second thought, Al Gore won a Grammy and a Nobel Prize for much worse material. So, if Al can get by on minimal talent and outright lies, there's still hope for me. I have as little talent as anybody and I can lie with the best of 'em. Boy, am I relieved.

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