I hope you are seated as you read this screed, otherwise you might become faint and topple over, putting a rather large knot on your skull. I am totally against large knots on skulls, except when they are necessary to the plot. OK, here goes. <deep breath> Tomorrow night...I am going to a wedding! There I said it! I feel free!
You are probably asking yourself, "What's the big damn deal? It's only a wedding!. To you it may only be a wedding, but to me it's much more than that. It's the end of life as the groom knows it. Poor bastard. The groom, whom we'll call AJ, because that's his name, and the bride, Megan, will tie the proverbial knot tomorrow night at 6:30 EST. AJ is my wife's cousin, so I guess that makes him my cousin by marriage, but I am older than AJ's parents, so I feel more like Uncle Toby than cousin Toby. Anyway, AJ and Megan are two fine, upstanding young people with a great future in store and a solid, loving relationship. My question is, why ruin a good thing by getting married? You know, if it ain't broke , don't fix it.
AJ, take it from a man who has been to the Marriage Rodeo more than once. Find something fireproof, waterproof and ginsu knife repellant in which to safeguard your gazebos. You think you'll have them forever, but that all changes after those dreaded, apocalyptic words..."I do". Next thing you know, it's adios gazebos. It happens so suddenly that you never even notice it until you get a gazebo checkup from the gazebo doctor. He'll take one look at where your gazebos used to be and without missing a beat, he'll say, "Married, huh?" That's when the reality of the whole damn thing sinks in. I am gazeboless and I'll never see them again. She'll tempt me with their return and snatch them back like they were tied to a bungee cord, not to be seen until she says so. I hate to see that happen to you, AJ. You are way too young to be without gazebos, but over time, you'll adjust to the gazeboless life. I have been there, gazeboless, but somehow I got mine back, never to lose them again! But, look how that worked out for me, AJ. I am not young like you are, AJ. I am middle aged and I should have known better. But no! The siren song of the hope and companionship of marriage lured me into a life sans gazebos once again. Sad, but all too true. I am a lost cause, but you are not! Yet.
Heed these words, AJ. Commit them to memory. They'll be all you have soon, once you say those two words. Because God knows, your gazebos will be forever gone.
Because Toby said so.
UPDATE: The family and I were supposed to attend the wedding tonight, but we hit a roadblock. Bailey the 3 year old and I came down with The Crud, so we , unfortunately, won't be able to make it. I am adding this Update so I can, first, apologize to the wedding party and Heather's family for being no shows and second, wish the bride and groom a lifetime of happiness, prosperity and many children. AJ and Megan, as I explained up there ^^^ are two outstanding young people and they go together like a hand and glove. God bless you both as you begin this incredible journey called marriage.
Because Toby said so.